Sunday, November 02, 2008

Congrats to Tammy and Derek Camaro-Hair!

About a month ago I decided to go as an 80s bride for Halloween - poufy white dress, big hair, blue eyeshadow, frosty-pink lipstick, white pantyhose. You know, me in 1987 minus the wedding dress.

My friend Missy quickly followed suit, envisioning the awesome 80s bridesmaid dress she could wear as my Halloween maid-of-honor. And we decided Adam would be the 80s husband (mullet, mustache) and Dave would be the best man (mustache, gold chain) to round out our "Wedding Party."

It was like the Halloween gods were smiling on us. My friend Mare just happened to have gotten married in 1989, and she kindly loaned me her wedding gown, complete with layers and layers of lace, a crazy-long train, lace sleeves and a beaded gauzy neck. Missy found a poufy-sleeved peach bridesmaid's dress on eBay and paired it with some bitchin' white heels.

But it was the guys who took one for the Halloween authenticity team - each growing beards so they could have 80s porn mustaches for Friday night.

The excitement of our costumes sparkled in our eyes like 80s glitter.

Adam and I adopted the names Tammy and Derek Camaro-Hair for the party "our reception", and I spent the evening yelling at "Derek" that he was ruining our wedding night by boozing too much and not carefully enough carrying my long-ass train around. Helloooo bridezilla!!

It was like an actual wedding in many ways. For one, Mare's dress was about a size too small for me. I feared gaining an ounce of weight before Halloween knowing I wouldn't fit into my wedding dress if I did - just like a real bride! We staged a bouquet toss and "Derek" inappropriately took off my skanky sexy garter. HOTT.

I also couldn't go to the bathroom by myself because I couldn't adjust the tiers of wedding gown or unzip by myself. (When you see real brides heading to the bathroom with a slew of bridesmaids it turns out it's because she can't pee with all that dress on.)

My "maid-of-honor" and "husband" also spent inordinate amounts of time trying to "bustle" my train.

It was actually kinda cute when several girls - dressed as Kim Kardashian and an FBI agent - rushed to Missy's aid yelling, "We need to bustle it! We're bustling!!!" And they all fussed with this 19-year-old dress to make it more manageable and to keep me from killing myself tripping over it.

Unfortch, it didn't help that much.

I was on my way to sneak a photo of some couple that was mashing beside the dance floor (very wedding reception!) when my giant dress got in the way of my 4 inch heels. Wedding dress, veil and blonde wig went up in poof of white, and then we all came crashing down to the floor. How embarrassing. And on my wedding night! Thank god it didn't happen during our first dance to Journey's Faithfully.

I looked around for "Derek" to help me up and saw that rat-bastard pounding a gin and tonic in the corner, probably seconds away from hitting on my maid-of-honor.

Whatever, though, because I totally got macked on by Bret Michaels. Talk about an 80s dream come true!

It was the raddest Halloween ever.

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