Wednesday, April 25, 2012

Flat Abs In Just 3 Days, Thanks Norovirus!

Are you fed up with diets that don't work? Pills that are costly and turn out to NOT be a magic bullet? Are you tired of going to the gym and not seeing results?

Well friends, then Norovirus is for you.

This little dynamo packs a punch, right to your belly. You'll spend just minutes at each session contracting your abs while vomiting, but it will feel like hours. Over several days, these contractions will add up to an abdominal workout like you've never felt.

After only three days with Norovirus - just one weekend, my friends! - I found that I have killer abs!

Sure it's only a two-pack (for now), but still, killer. My stomach has never been so flat. Not being able to hold down food, and then only broth and popsicles, has advantages. It melts the muffin top right off!

Don't let words like "acute gastroenteritis," "throwing up," "diarrhea" or "dizzyiness" scare you. That's just your body releasing "toxins."

Norovirus is even better than the Master Cleanse, which forces you to consume lemon juice, maple syrup and cayenne pepper, leaving you hungry and mean. With norovirus you can't keep anything down, which means even less calories. Plus, you'll have no taste for food and be too exhausted to be mean!

What's better than all this?! There are no special products to buy. No more foods you should NEVER eat, because you won't be able to eat any foods with this magical weight loss system. Everything is off limits! You won't even care that other people are enjoying large plates of pasta or chocolate cake. Just the sight of those things will make you want to puke!

Norovirus is not for everyone. Only people who are very, very interested in flat abs should attempt this "diet." In fact, it's not even called a diet because it doesn't feel like dieting, that's how magical it is!


Find someone infected with norovirus. (Hint: They're easy to spot by their sunken, dehydrated eyes, vomiting and inability to leave the bathroom.) Then touch that person repeatedly and put your hands in your mouth. Do not wash your hands! This might inhibit your body's ability to embrace this lovely weight loss virus.

Good luck, and show off those abs!

Thursday, April 19, 2012

Draw Some!

I'm not typically a big fan of game apps. I thought Angry Birds was boring and stupid, and I still think Tetris is the best game of all time. So I might not be the best person to judge.

However, let me give a resounding five stars to Draw Something.

I'm barely able to write this post because I haven't slept in three days, largely due to my staying up late and drawing pictures for "my friends" on Draw Something. (They live in my phone and love me, OK?!)

I will not call you, but I will definitely send you a drawing!

The gist is, you get a few words, pick one and draw it. Then the person you're playing tries to guess it, and draws you one back.

Some people are really, really good at this game. Like the person who drew the above picture. (More masterpieces here. )

I, sadly, am not one of these people.

Pretty much every conversation Ray and I have these days goes something like this:

Me: Does this look like an ice cube to you?
Ray: God, NO. I mean, umm, kinda. *wtf face

Me: Does this look like a train?
Ray: *silence, horror
Me: Can't you tell that's a caboose? It's blue.
Ray: It's also… bleeding?

Ray: Gina, wtf IS this? 
Me: I'll give you a hint! It's an instrument!
Ray: I thought it was a giant lemon.
Me: It's a giant lemon with strings that is played upright at fancy events... IT'S A HARP FOR CRYING OUT LOUD! OH MY GOD, YOU HAVE NO ARTIST EYE WHAT-SO-EVER!


Here is a picture I drew last night.

It's sooooo good, right? He's bloody from the plane crash, see. And totally sad about it, as all is buddies went down with the plane.

Can you guess the word?

(It's "survivor.")

I knew you'd get it.

I'm more of a "contextual" artist on Draw Something. My goal is to convey the concept so my iPhone friends can guess the word. I'm not really "about" making great drawings, ok?

But then sometimes I do make great drawings. Like this one.

The concept is very clearly 1) a campfire 2) some kind of sandwich-y thing, crackers maybe (hint, hint!) and 3) a person eating said sandwichy-crackers.

Now what would that be?

Very obviously, smores, right? See how the chocolate is on the guy's face?

Well, Ty W. is a moron because he couldn't guess it and ruined our 11 turn drawing streak. 

But you know who really sucks at this game? BESiin-e.

Look at this abomination.

Can you guess what it was supposed to be? Me either.

It was a yo-yo. A YO-YO, for Christ's sake. It doesn't even resemble a yo-yo!

And Cheyenne1988s drawing.

Fishing? Catching? Search and rescue for a dead body?

No. It's a pool boy. A pool boy.

Seriously? Pool boys have muscles, and are hott. They do not look like lollipops. And since when do pools look like... is that a boat? You get an F, Cheyenne1988.

A few nights ago it was late and I mistook the word "widow" for "window" and drew what was quite possibly the best drawing I've ever done. It was a glorious window, the kind everyone would want in their McMansion, complete with red drapes and a setting sun in the background.  

Then when I sent it I realized, oops, it was supposed to be WIDOW. My bad, BEShiin-e.

He sent me back this message:

I sent him one back saying we need to get "us" back on track and that, "some things are worth fighting for."

Frankly, after his "yo yo" drawing, he was lucky I continued to draw pictures for him anyway. But we're working through things, one drawing at a time.

Which is more than I can say for Ray.

I actually thought this was some of my finer work.

My God, I thought, it looks JUST LIKE Starry Night! But when I proudly showed it to Ray he asked if the word was "vertigo."

It was Van Gogh.

Just because his drawing of a train actually looks like a train doesn't mean he has to be all bitchy to me.

And it took him an hour to guess this one, and it was even TO him.

I was only saying it to be nice anyway. Obviously my true soulmate is Angie V., who guessed my spectacular Coachella hollogram Tupac. I got the abs in there and everything.

Love you, Angie V. Draw me.

Thursday, April 05, 2012

Bizarre Feelings About Celebrities I Will Never Meet*

This has gone too far.

For someone who refused for months to acknowledge she was pregnant, Jessica Simpson can't stop flaunting that gigantic belly of hers. Gah. She must what, 90 months pregnant by now? Good God, enough already, Simpson.

Demi did it better 20 years ago. Further, I think she could do it better now, and she just got out of rehab.

I admit to having strongly bizarre feelings about Jessica Simpson. Specifically, her divorce from Nick Lachey.

Sure, I don't know these people, really. But let's not let that stop us from having an opinion. Amirite?

Look at Nick. I adore Cincinnati's hometown boy. And as someone who watched Newlyweds, he seemed to be a helluva nice guy who was crazy in love with Jessica.

Then she dumped him.

She bounced from one a-hole to another, while Nick salved his broken heart with Vanessa Minnillo. They've been together pretty much since Simpson dropped his ass.

He found love, which was probably the last thing he was looking for. And Jessica found hair extensions and skank shoes, which was probably the last thing she was looking for too. Other than a bad relationship with John Mayer, dbag of the decade.

Post-divorce, Nick's singing career went nowhere. While Jessica's career went something like: Movie, flop; album flop; movie flop; country album, flop; relationship flop, flop, flop.

Nick ended up the host of the Sing Off. Jessica ended up a gazillionaire stripper shoe "designer."

Said shoes:

Five years after their divorce, Nick announced his engagement to long-term girlfriend Vanessa. THEN, a few days later, Jessica announced hers to some former NFL player she'd been dating for like, two minutes.

Really Jessica?! You're the billionaire, let Nick have some sun here. Now Nick's wife and Jessica are both pregnant and their kids will be born months apart. (God, poor Vanessa.)

Jessica may have piles of cash and lots of teetering shoes, but she made a big mistake. HUGE. She dumped our hometown boy for what I'm sure at the time seemed the racier, more interesting boys of Hollywood. Boys with more "image," "talent," more money, brighter careers.

And maybe that was exciting, for about ten minutes. But those things fade fast.

It seemed to me Jessica kept looking for a man who loved her like Nick did. So when Mister Former NFL came along and he didn't treat her like crap (John Mayer, Tony Romo, etc, etc), she was all, 'Well, I'm 30, I'm still single after my divorce and my ex-husband is happily engaged. Ugh, let's just get engaged and have a baby, Whatever-Your-Name-Is.'

I bet she doesn't love this dude as much she loved Nick. I bet she doesn't even know his name. (Does anyone?)

Who IS this clown? I could be selling shoes right now.

But I think Nick grew to genuinely love and appreciate Vanessa more than he did Jessica. How could he not? The two might not be uber famous or have sparkling careers, but they seem true blue to each other. Already their relationship has outlasted most Hollywood marriages.

So I'm taking sides here and Nick, you win! Look at Vanessa. Gorgeous.

These two are gonna have some great looking kids.

Pay the price, Simpson.

*Clarification - I almost met Nick. Specifically, he was talking to the people at the table next to me at Nada once, and I listened in. So it's just like we had a conversation.

Sunday, April 01, 2012

Anniversary Shushing

Ray says his look of surprise here is “staged."

I believe him.

On our third date we were in the back of a friend's car while the radio played. It was something god-awful, like some '70s classic rock heinousness, and Ray was singing along.

Gah. Torture.

I barely knew him, but still, I didn’t have to take that crap. So I did what any girl would do - I put my hand over his mouth, pinned his head against the back seat and whispered into the side of his face, “Shhhhh, you’re upsetting everyone in the car.”

It was the first time we touched.

That was two years ago this month. Obviously it was completely magical.