Wednesday, November 29, 2006

There Goes The Neighborhood

Soon this house going up will block my beautiful, winter-time only view of the Ohio River and Northern Kentucky.

One day I woke up and it was already half built. Then a few weeks ago a big SUV came bounding down the drive and out popped a handful of children with a women I presume was their mom. She walked around the construction site while they played on a big pile of dirt.

I bet they'll be really excited to live next to the frat guys who rent the house next door. It's not a weekend on Golden/Lockland unless the band gets together for practice and then a bonfire.

It must be at least a half-million dollar house, much more I'm sure. Jeff Ruby lives up the street and his house is worth over a million, though he does have a better view.

Other than the view, though, I don't get why they'd build a house there. There's no yard, just a gravel driveway in the back and a precipice for a front yard. I guess they figure the kids are old enough not to sled down the cliff onto Columbia Parkway.

"Oh hon, it'll be so nice having the kids play in the alley. It really is a dream!"

Monday, November 27, 2006

I Give Thanks For Funny Stories

I went home Friday for turkey and noodle leftovers.

My dad and I were walking around the house to check the mail - as we walked he explained how he tricked his hunting buddies into helping him rake the leaves - and he got an insurance check for an accident he was in last month.

The accident totalled his truck. More precisely, his pride and joy, which is certainly not the pride nor joy of the driveway or neighbhorhood.

The truck is his hunting truck, a 1989 Ford Ranger with the doors dented in (not sure how that happened) and rust covering good portions of it. But it's good for hauling his hunting dogs in, five beagles.

I offered him $500 for the truck this summer when I briefly (very briefly) entertained the idea of buying a junker truck to haul my bike around in. He should be so lucky to get that much for it, I told him.

He scowled, insulted, and said, "Shut yo' mouth, girl. You ain't gettin' my Ranger."

Well, last month he was driving home with his dogs in the back when an elderly man pulled out in front of him on a country road.

"I thought about getting out and smackin' the old man," he said, in his dramatic retelling of the accident. "Hurt my truck. But then I saw he was old, 84-years-old, so I didn't. But, well, it made me mad. I turned the wheel to keep from him hitting him on the drivers door. Coulda hurt that old man, you know. Did $800 damage to his Cadillac. Said his wife was going to be mad at him."

My dad thought the Ranger was drivable and told the Sheriff's deputies he didn't need to tow. To be sure, though, he got back in to start it up. Then, Surprise! No brakes!

"I turned the wheel to the right and then the left and it turned all right, then I hit the gas," he said. "Everything seemed fine. Then I went to stop and BOINK! Right into the back of the deputy's car."

"You hit the cop car!" Perhaps I was a bit too excited about this part.

"Yeah. But I wasn't going very fast. Anyway, I needed a tow. Didn't have any brakes."

"Was he mad," I wanted to know.

"Didn't seem to be."

(Awesome. I now know someone who has a hit a Sheriffs deputy's car. And that someone would be my dad. Oops!)

As he was swinging around the check for $900-some, dancing around on the sidewalk singing "A-shopping-we-will-go," he said the check was only for his truck, not his "injuries."

"Did you get hurt, Dad?" Suddenly I was concerned. He hadn't mentioned this before.

"Oh yeah! I told the insurance lady that I hit my shin, jammed my hand and got a place on my arm. And my dog died."

"Oh no! One of your dogs died! You didn't tell me that before."

"Yeah, Fancy died. But I don't think it was from the wreck. She was sick. Though those five puppies sure were shakin' when I went back and checked on them. They were scared, boy."

"I bet they were," I said. "So wait, you told the insurance lady the crash killed your dog?"

"No. I told her my dog died, which was true. She did die."

Hmmm. Then he went on.

"She asked me how much a hunting dog like that costs and I told her about $300 to $400. She said, 'I live in Dearborn County and you can get a hunting pup for $50 to $100 around here.'

"I told her you get can't get a dog like I got for no $50 to $100. Huh. 'Bout made me mad." For effect, he shook his head in feigned disgust and adjusted the safety orange hunting cap he had on.

The Tall Drink of Water and I stood there on the sidewalk, amused and amazed.

So this insurance woman asked my dad if $650 would cover the cost of a new dog and the pain of his "injuries."

"That sounds about right," he told her.

For $50 he bought the totalled truck back from the insurance company, and now it sits in the driveway worse than before. Instead of just dents and rust it now also has a crushed in front end.

Ahh... Thanksgiving at the Daugherty Farm. (And by "farm" I mean the acre of land where my dad has parked his junk trucks since I was born.)

Saturday, November 25, 2006

I'm Sorry Safari, But It's Over

Dear Safari,

We've been together for what, two years? Three years now?

I think we can safely say it's been a lovely, useful relationship. Still, this should come as no surprise, but I kinda hate you.

It only got worse earlier this week when you smacked me across the face with more of your impotence.

When I opened you up and tried to view YouTube videos on blogs and Web sites and you showed nothing, nothing! Well... That was hurtful. But for you turn your back on me and offer no updates for Panther, it didn't make me sad, it angered me. (Safari doesn't care about poor people.)

So it's over, playa. You go out and be with Tiger, fine. See ya. I just hope Tiger realizes what a whore you are when you leave it for Leopard. And you know you will.

I've found a new browser anyway. It's name is Camino, , and it's fast!

See ya, Mr. Selfish. And no, we cannot be friends.

P.S. You're getting fat.

Monday, November 20, 2006

So Long, Scruffy Sexy

I'm pretty upset about the LaRue trade.

The Tall Drink of Water warned me repeatedly - "It's going to happen. I'm just preparing you" - but it didn't soften the blow when I found out this afternoon.

What happens to a team when someone gets traded? All your favorite players end up somewhere else, so you're not even cheering for your favorite team anymore, you're cheering for a city, or a certain uniform, or whatever.

I liked the team the Reds had at the beginning of the season. LaRue. Dunn. Kearns. Willy Mo. Lopez. And now, only Dunn is left. So is Dunn "my team?" Isn't the team the men it's made of? And if you're not a fan of those men, then is that your favorite team anymore?

Maybe you're a little kid and you fell in love with the Reds because of the Big Red Machine and the men who made up the machine - Rose, Morgan, Perez, Foster, Bench, Concepcion. And those guys were your team. You loved them.

Then they got traded, got old, retired. But you still love that team. Those Reds. That Big Red Machine.

So some new players came along and you thought they were OK, but they were no Big Red Machine. Then a few guys came along that you liked almost as much and you got to appreciate them and then they were your team.

Well, the '05-06 Reds were my team.

I went to 16 Reds games this year. 16! (And I ate a helmet sundae with extra sprinkles at all of them but one.) I high fived strangers for them! And now what?!

Yeah, I root for the Reds, but my team is gone.

Saturday, November 18, 2006

Who Knew?

Much to my surprise, I discovered this morning that an egg white has only 17 calories. (And 3.5 grams of protein, if you're curious.)

That explains why I'm starving about seven minutes after eating one.

I usually eat two egg whites in the morning, peeled away from the yolk of a hard-boiled egg. Until today, I thought I was eating plenty for breakfast. (No more for me, thanks. I'm stuffed!)

Turns out, I'm eating a whopping 34 calories. Wow. I've pretty much burned off 34 calories by the time I get to my car to start it.

For some reason I thought an egg/egg white would have at least 60 calories or so. And by eating two, well... I was well on my way to finishing a marathon.

Shocked by this 17 calorie egg white discovery, I asked the Tall Drink of Water how many calories he thinks an egg has.

"I don't know. About 800," he said.

Thursday, November 16, 2006

Lemon Lime Redux

Tuesday morning I went the gym and worked out with Trainer Drew. After about 35 minutes, I started to not feel well. So I sat down on a nearby machine to relax for a few minutes.

After I felt better, I got up and proceeded to finish the set of tricep extentions I was doing.

Then I felt sick again and sat down.

"I think I gotta go," I told Drew. He was all, "Not again!"

I felt a little faint, but mostly I felt sick to my stomach. No sooner did I open the door to the locker room did I throw up - in my mouth!

So I rushed into a stall and proceeded to relieve myself of the Gatorade I had drank. As I was shaking and vomiting, I thought of how grateful I am that the bathrooms at Revolution are so clean. Even the toilet was spotless.

Then I showered and went to work.

Tuesday, November 14, 2006

Stop Lookin' At My Lemonade!

This commercial is pure genius.

1.) LeBron plays himself in four roles, hilariously
2.) But none better than the sneering old man
3.) Oh Lord!
4. The music - somewhere between "I just smoked a bowl" and "Baby, lemme call you"
5. The look playa Lebron gives from the pike position
6. The devish grin at the end

Saturday, November 11, 2006

CiN Green Party

Thursday night's Green Party was the most fun I've had in at least six days. Ok, I'm lying. I can't remember the last time I had more fun.

Here are some photo highlights.

Dave and his beer had lots of fun... They were inseparable.

Air guitar. Lip syncing. And shock.

Blown out... But still smokin' hot. (I'm talking about Shana and her sister, of course.)

What drunk people look like standing on chairs.

Lovin', touchin,' squeezin' into the photo.

Hee hee hee. Look how Dan is smooshing his hand into Julie
hair. Move, Julie!

Straight thuggin'.

I harrassed this guy for at least 20 minutes. I was convinced he looked like Malcolm Gladwell. I even made the Tall Drink of Water meet him, too. (TDW said afterward it was "awkward.") The next day I decided he looks more like Gilbert Gottfried. Oh well. You win some, you lose some, you have too many vodka cranberries.

Tuesday, November 07, 2006

Merry Christmas To Me

Election Day is my favorite day ever. Better than Christmas morning, better than birthdays, better than any other day ever. I love it.

The last few weeks I've been giddy with excitement about getting to vote. I've voted in every election since I turned 18 - at my old elementary school, in the office of my former apartment complex, at the Chinese American Church. All sorts of interesting places.

Yesterday I was feeling achy and stiff and feared getting sick might ruin my voting experience. But fortunately I woke up this morning feeling much better and couldn't wait to scoot on down to the big red church on Eastern to ink-in the squares.

So I was horrified when I realized my drivers's license is expired. I've been driving under a lapsed license for nearly a month. Oops. (Not to mention I haven't yet put my current sticker on my plate either. I'm a rolling misdemeanor.)

I rushed home to grab a utility bill to prove my address and identity since Ohio now requires ID. But all I had was my state retirement statement. I was pretty certain it wouldn't be good enough, and since my ID was expired, I thought for sure I was going to have to go the BMV before I could vote.

But thank god I'm a former teacher in Ohio, because so was the older gentleman asking for my proof.

"I get these, too. Where do you teach," he asked me.

"I taught at UC. I don't anymore though."

"What did you teach?"

"Chronic and communicable diseases. I was a grad student in public health," I told him. Then I asked what he teaches.

"K-3. Little kids," he said. "I'm a sub now."

"Yeah, but I bet your little kids act more adult the whiny college kids I taught."

Then he handed me my two sheets of fun!

I'm a little sad I'm not in the newsroom tonight, eating greasy pizza and watching the results come in. But it's still exciting. I'll be up all night, agonizing as the results crawl in, cheering when my people win and being disgusted when they don't.

Thursday, November 02, 2006

Lemme Get a Bun... And A Jomocha Shake

I was so hungry after work tonight I was going to eat at Arby's. So I hit the drive-thru at the one in Oakley.

You know the one: Incompetent, slow, sometimes they never get on the speaker and actually take your order.

Well, I go there and the guy on the speaker tells me he'll take my order at the window. Alright. Whatever. So I drive around and wait behind another car. Good sign, I'm thinking, because this at least means they've taken one order in the night.

Then it's my turn.

With his headset and black windbreaker on, he leans toward me out of the window and says, "We're out of beef. It's gonna be about an hour."

Out of beef? It's Arby's!

Crazy, but not nearly as crazy as the stuff that happens at the Scary Arby's downtown. They always have beef, but it's served with a side of scary.