Wednesday, March 27, 2013

This Is Love - Water Shooting At Your Butt

Behold, my new bidet.

This bad boy is no joke. It will shoot water clear across the house.

Isn't it amazing?!

Ray installed the BioBidet 250 last night to help me with 'butt burn.' In case you are unfamiliar, 'butt burn' is a scientific condition that results from going to the bathroom too much.

It's a long story but, in essence - Some of my intestines decided to revolt (I dunno why, my insides seem like a fun place to party to me), so they had to be cut out and the good parts had to be sewn back together with the rest of the good parts that were still down to party inside my abdomen.

Post surgery number two, this means sometimes running to the bathroom. Literally, running.

But with my new bidet, my booty is fresh in no time! I can't believe I didn't get one years ago, just for fun.

It's amazing just how accurate the water trajectory is too - BAM! Right in the sweet spot.

Speaking of sweet spots, it features 'posterior' and 'feminine' wash settings. I'm afraid to try the feminine wash setting though for fear I will never leave the house again.

I strongly urge all of you to come over and try it. Clean. As. A. Whistle. And refreshing on your bum too.

Tell all your friends.

Monday, March 04, 2013

How We Got Engaged... and Failed at Getting Free Ice-Cream

Where was I? Oh right, Ray proposed.

That was Friday, February 8.

In my head I threw my hot chocolate and gloves up into the air and went for the ring, all in one fail swoop. But that might not be exactly how it happened.

But it was at Fountain Square, and it was simple and sweet and perfect. He said: 'Marry me. Please.'

We were by the ice skating rink and had just had a lovely dinner at Via Vite, following by cookies and hot chocolate at Graeter's.

Though we both knew we were getting engaged that night, we decided to get married a long time ago. To that end, I've been wearing Ray's mom's engagement ring for months.

This classic beauty is 52 years old. All we did was resize it.

It's gorgeous, isn't it.

His parents got engaged in 1961, and Ray's dad couldn't have had better taste. It's simple, understated and classic. I wear it on my right hand because we knew we'd eventually get me a flatter ring, something I could wear more everyday. But with all due respect to the ring we picked out together, his mom's ring is my real favorite. There's 52 years of history behind this beauty.

Now, how the proposal happened depends on which one of us you ask. But regardless of who you hear the story from, the one thing we both agree on is that I tried to persuade him into proposing at Graeter's.

I maintain it was perfect.

1. It was warm inside and we were having Valentine's cookies and hot chocolate (romantic!)
2. I wasn't wearing gloves but knew I would be once we went outside (no hassling with gloves to put the ring on)
3. It was quiet and I thought the Macy's jumbo-tron might be blaring outside again (when we walked to Graeter's from Via Vite there was a Trojan ad playing, no joke)

So I laid out my case as we sat at a window table.

'Yo, you could propose to me right now. It's warm and cozy in here,' I said as I gave him doe eyes.

'What? In Graeter's? No way. I am not proposing to you next to the pop machine.'

About that time the Graeter's worker came over and asked us if we wanted some cookie samples.

I gave him the 'Beat it! I'm trying to convince my man to propose here' angry eyes.

'Besides, there's some weird guy passing around cookies,' Ray said.

'No one passing out cookies is weird,' I said. Then added: 'Besides, Graeter's is super romantic.' *doe eyes again

'I can hearing the pop machine humming, Gina. And it says Coca Cola right behind your head.'

Well, this is awkward, I thought as I finished my cookie. So much for my doe eyes.

We got up a few minutes later and even though we'd been planning this all night, I was nervous as we walked across the square. I briefly feared he was going to make me take a carriage ride. But as we turned toward the ice skating rink, that's when he took the box from his pocket and formally asked.

I don't even think I said anything honestly. Again, in my head I feel like I just threw my gloves and hot chocolate into the air in favor of the ring box. But really I think I just handed it all to him, like, HERE, take all this crap!

I remember he asked me again and then I said yes.

This is my engagement ring. It's pretty awesome if I do say so myself.

This is what it looks like in its natural habitat, at the keyboard.

Ray has a slightly different version of all this. His version might involve me pressing him harder in Graeter's and demanding to know where the ring was. I contend this is erroneous.

The next night we had an open house and 45 of our closest friends came over. It was great. A proposal on Friday night and then a big party on Saturday with a new ring, an engagement and a new house to celebrate. It was awesome.

P.S. Whenever I tell people this story they insist we should have gotten engaged at Graeter's. 'Dude, you'd have gotten free ice cream for sure! Maybe for life!' I should have mentioned that when I was trying to convince Ray. 'Ice cream for life, we'd be stupid to not get engaged here!'