Thursday, April 05, 2012

Bizarre Feelings About Celebrities I Will Never Meet*

This has gone too far.

For someone who refused for months to acknowledge she was pregnant, Jessica Simpson can't stop flaunting that gigantic belly of hers. Gah. She must what, 90 months pregnant by now? Good God, enough already, Simpson.

Demi did it better 20 years ago. Further, I think she could do it better now, and she just got out of rehab.

I admit to having strongly bizarre feelings about Jessica Simpson. Specifically, her divorce from Nick Lachey.

Sure, I don't know these people, really. But let's not let that stop us from having an opinion. Amirite?

Look at Nick. I adore Cincinnati's hometown boy. And as someone who watched Newlyweds, he seemed to be a helluva nice guy who was crazy in love with Jessica.

Then she dumped him.

She bounced from one a-hole to another, while Nick salved his broken heart with Vanessa Minnillo. They've been together pretty much since Simpson dropped his ass.

He found love, which was probably the last thing he was looking for. And Jessica found hair extensions and skank shoes, which was probably the last thing she was looking for too. Other than a bad relationship with John Mayer, dbag of the decade.

Post-divorce, Nick's singing career went nowhere. While Jessica's career went something like: Movie, flop; album flop; movie flop; country album, flop; relationship flop, flop, flop.

Nick ended up the host of the Sing Off. Jessica ended up a gazillionaire stripper shoe "designer."

Said shoes:

Five years after their divorce, Nick announced his engagement to long-term girlfriend Vanessa. THEN, a few days later, Jessica announced hers to some former NFL player she'd been dating for like, two minutes.

Really Jessica?! You're the billionaire, let Nick have some sun here. Now Nick's wife and Jessica are both pregnant and their kids will be born months apart. (God, poor Vanessa.)

Jessica may have piles of cash and lots of teetering shoes, but she made a big mistake. HUGE. She dumped our hometown boy for what I'm sure at the time seemed the racier, more interesting boys of Hollywood. Boys with more "image," "talent," more money, brighter careers.

And maybe that was exciting, for about ten minutes. But those things fade fast.

It seemed to me Jessica kept looking for a man who loved her like Nick did. So when Mister Former NFL came along and he didn't treat her like crap (John Mayer, Tony Romo, etc, etc), she was all, 'Well, I'm 30, I'm still single after my divorce and my ex-husband is happily engaged. Ugh, let's just get engaged and have a baby, Whatever-Your-Name-Is.'

I bet she doesn't love this dude as much she loved Nick. I bet she doesn't even know his name. (Does anyone?)

Who IS this clown? I could be selling shoes right now.

But I think Nick grew to genuinely love and appreciate Vanessa more than he did Jessica. How could he not? The two might not be uber famous or have sparkling careers, but they seem true blue to each other. Already their relationship has outlasted most Hollywood marriages.

So I'm taking sides here and Nick, you win! Look at Vanessa. Gorgeous.

These two are gonna have some great looking kids.

Pay the price, Simpson.

*Clarification - I almost met Nick. Specifically, he was talking to the people at the table next to me at Nada once, and I listened in. So it's just like we had a conversation.

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