The Curious Incident of the Deviled Eggs and the Car Crash

Always enlightening, I talked to my mom on Sunday for about an hour, during which time she revealed these gems:

1. "Your dad's feet sweat a lot, so you could get him new slippers for Christmas."

2. The reason my brother Elgin hasn't spoken to my dad in three years is because dad would only "help" send him back to college (he's 45 years old, btw) rather than foot the entire bill.

3. She also casually mentioned she and my dad were in a traffic accident earlier in the day while driving to the RCA retirement carry-in. (She didn't mention the car crash until the END of the conversation.)

MOM: "Whew! We really had a busy day, Gina. We went to see the Man in Black... or whatever that Johnny Cash movie is called."

ME: "Oh, Walk The Line. Did you like it?"

MOM: "It was awful. That guy acted like an idiot. He just drank and took pills and stared and looked weird. He never said anything intelligent. Johnny Cash never acted like that. If I were that woman I would have never married him, him acting stupid all the time."

ME: "I was kinda ambivalent about myself. But it's gotten great reviews. Everyone says Joaquin Phoenix will get an Oscar for it."

MOM: "I don't see how. Your dad really didn't like him. He said they could have gotten anyone off the street to do a better job that than that guy. I didn't hate him that much but I didn't think he was any good. Reese Witheringspoon was all right. She was cute and that's just how June Carter acted."(She called her "Witheringspoon.")

ME: "Wow. You're harsh critics. What else did you do today? Did you go shopping?"

MOM: "Oh yes. I went to the mall and got that blazer I'd been looking at. It was on sale. I didn't want to pay $70 for it but I saw it had been marked down for Christmas for 25 percent off, so I went ahead and got it. I thought I'd wear it to the RCA retirement dinner."

ME: "That's fun. Did you show it off to all of your retirement friends?"

MOM: "Well, yeah I did. Eventually. On the way there we into a car wreck."

ME: "WHAT? Oh my gosh! Are you OK? Did anyone get hurt?"

MOM: "No. But Joann was pretty shook up. She didn't go to the dinner."

ME: "Who's Joann? Was she going with you?"

MOM: "No. Joann's the lady that pulled out in front of us. I used work with her. I talked to her while we were waiting on the police to show up. I felt like an idiot because I was standing there holding a big plate of deviled eggs."

ME: "Why were you holding deviled eggs?"

MOM: "I didn't want them to go bad and you know how your dad is. He had the heat cranked up so high I thought I was gonna die, and I had the deviled eggs for the carry-in on the floor-board of the truck and I knew they were getting hot down there."

ME: "Wait. You were in the truck?"

MOM: "Yeah, your dad won't ride in the car anymore because he says the heater doesn't heat up. So I kept worrying that the deviled eggs were getting too hot. Then Joann pulled out in front of us... Your dad tried to miss her. He turned all the way onto Washington Street to try to avoid her but he couldn't. So we ended up swiping her car as we went through the intersection. It did about $500 worth of damage."

ME: "That's scary. I'm glad everyone is OK..."

MOM: "Your dad didn't even want to get out of the truck because it was so cold. Is it cold there? It's really cold here. It's was only 20 degrees today. I wasn't sure how long it would take for the police to show up and I knew the deviled eggs were already hot, so I stood there holding them."

ME: "Outside in the cold?"

MOM: "Yeah. That's why I felt like an idiot, standing there with a big plate of deviled eggs talking to Joann. That's when she told me she was going to go to the retirement dinner but decided she wasn't going now because she was pretty shook up. We hit her pretty good. It scared me. She has a big dent in the side of her car."

ME: "Wow... I can't believe you didn't tell me this an hour ago."

MOM: "Well... We've had a really busy day."