Thursday, April 20, 2006

My Blood Is Poison

It's toxic to anyone but me. It has alarm bells. Flashing lights that warn others. It comes with its own security system.

Tonight I learned that I cannot donate blood. Ever. Which was only somewhat shocking.

I had suspected that I would throw up red flags on blood center questionaires. (Or maybe that was just wishful thinking to avoid further needles...)

But it was confirmed tonight when I read the contraindications for donating blood. I'm bad news. Poison. My blood is too hard core, and when you get to the core, that's hard too.

So much for my lofty Thursday evening of donating blood, drinking juice and eating cookies and learning my blood type. (Don't people who know their blood type say it all smug, like they're in on some secret? It's weird.)

I'm kind of sad about it, really. I was thinking of how useful my blood was going to be, how someone was going to be really grateful to get it, how my blood was going to perform like champ. Like the best blood ever! Who ever got it was going to wake up and be like, "Wow! I feel terrific! I've never felt better in my whole life!"

My blood is going to need therapy after this blow to the hemoglobin.

I'm going to eat cookies and drink juice anyway, though. Besides, I hear science is making great strides with artificial blood. So you all you blood-type knowing, blood donating smug bastards can piss off! (But you should donate blood first, just in case that whole artificial blood thing doesn't pan out.)

4 comments:

big bri said...

Don't think of your blood as poison. It's just so potent nobody else's body is cool enough to handle it. In anyone else's body your blood would not be able to realize it's full potential and be wasted. It would also make that person self combust.

Gina said...

hee hee hee. you're my blood's therapist.

Craig said...

Josh used to brag about how his blood was the valuable kind, the kind that evidently anyone can use. I was like "Dude, shut the fuck up."

Gina said...

that's hilarious. see... people who know their blood type are intolerable.