"Your Diet Sucks"

We were discussing the possible causes of my recent abdominal and back pain, the severity of which left me postrate with a heating pad Thursday and Saturday nights. Within 24 hours I had taken 14 Advil.

I told Dr. Bowling the symptoms were consistent with the problem I had last May, when trapped fluid in my uterus was causing labor-like contractions in an effort to expel the fluid.

Though I hadn't had any pain for several days, I told her I lived in fear of the symptoms returning again.

But we were discussing other possible causes, potentially related to radiation damage to my small intestine.

She asked if I had eaten anything unusual or introduced any new foods to my diet.

"No," I said. "I eat about the same six things."

"And what are those things," she asked.

"Chipotle. Panera. Pizza. Skyline. A banana every morning. And sometimes lunch meat."

I should add here that I am in awe and fear of this woman.

I have watched her eviscerate her medical contemporaries with a single judgment. I've seen operating rooms filled with specialists and nurses bend to her will. Otherwise full schedules have miraculously cleared when she has decided I need an immediate test. When she walks into her offices, her staff stops and waits for her instructions.

I've never really seen anything like it. She is a sheer force of will. (My mom is terrified of her.) She tolerates no bullshit, no excuses and accepts nothing but determination from her patients.

Yet with this edge she carries a cool wit. In addition to being an incredible surgeon and patient advocate, I find her to be hilarious, in an all-business kind of way. Even still, I was somewhat reluctant, and rightfully embarrassed, to admit my poor eating habits.

After I rattled off the roughly six things I eat each week she said: "Well, your diet sucks."

Then she ordered a sonogram. For the next day.