Wednesday, May 02, 2012

Training Is Stupid

I've highlighted the important parts of my MRI report, specifically the words "superior" and "right gluteus maximus muscle."

"This mean I have a superior booty, doesn't it," I asked my doctor.

"Well... not exactly."

"Like hell. It practically says, 'awesome bedonkedonk' right there."

When I proudly shoved these highlighted results in the faces of my coworkers with sub-par butts - Read it and weep, suckas! - someone said, "But you don't have an ass!"

I'd tell you who said it but that person is dead now, and I don't have time to go to jail this week.

My hip flexor has been hurting for ohhhh, five years? But over the last three months of preparing for the Pig, it's hurt worse.

Which means I can draw only one conclusion: Training is stupid. All it does is injure you and you're still not any faster because you're limping.

About a month ago the ol' hip flexor decided it'd had enough and it wasn't going to do anything for me anymore, so it seized up on a run. It felt like tearing, and I walked home in crippling pain. If you heard a rumor that I was also crying and went home and forced Ray to shove a tennis ball into my groin in a vain attempt to find the trigger point then that is... ok that is totally true.

When at-home trigger point therapy with a tennis ball didn't work I went to see the sports medicine doc that everyone in my office is seeing.

We are seriously the walking wounded at my workplace. There are calf tears, fractured big toes, IT band syndromes, strained hip flexors. This doc is making a fortune off our injuries. I'm pretty sure mine alone bought him a Rolex. I'd tell you who he is but my coworkers and I are taking up all his appointments soooo... too bad.

In addition to revealing the awesomeness of my backside - truly worth the MRI in and of itself - the radiology report also revealed my strained hip flexor (ding, ding, ding!) and a strained... butt muscle?

So in addition to being high and tight (like a Marine haircut), my butt is also strained. (It doesn't hurt so who cares.)

But I did get some steroids for the throbbing hip flexor. Exciting, right?!


You know how everyone praises prednisone as some kind of miracle cure?

You'll feel great and won't need any sleep! Your joints will feel like a teenagers'! Your cartilage will be lubed up liked a can of Pam! You'll be able to work out for like, ten hours! Hip pain?! Butt strain?! You'll feel so great you won't even know you have hips or a butt!

Well, those people are lying.

I took a weeklong medrol pack and didn't feel any different at all. Worse, I didn't get super huge, I didn't bench press Ray in a fit of 'roid rage or feel "inappropriately happy" at any point.

Disappointing to say the least.

The only mildly cool thing prednisone did was make me look really tan, because it caused me to flush all the time. Otherwise, worthless.

Needless to say I'm looking forward to hobbling through the Pig. I actually trained for the first time in years and yet this will quite possibly be my slowest, limpiest time yet. After Sunday I'm resorting back to my previous "training plan" of "not training." At least then I won't be injured and gobbling down anti-inflammatories.

My only goal for the Pig now is to wear a really cool tiger t-shirt. Hopefully it arrives tomorrow!

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