Blue Light Specials

Cincinnati Magazine came out with its best restaurants issue this month and all the food is appropriately... vertical... and... angular.

Cause it ain't fancy unless it's sharp and pointy and jutting out from the center of the plate like a weapon.

Who in the hell wants to eat a lamb chop just lying limp on dinner plate? Not me.

I want my lamb chops arranged artfully, protruding from the plate like a Frank Lloyd Wright angle, with a bunch of other stuff stacked on top of it. I want those lamb chop bones upward and reaching for the sky, and also supporting a teetering potato or something.

Look people, I don't think I'm alone here in saying that if I'm going to eat a hotdog I want the chef to engineer a way that it angles toward the ceiling. If it's not inverted, what's the point? I don't want my dog languishing horizontally - You can't stop my dogs shine!

Even the fries are uppity - they get their own glass so they too can be vertical. Yeah. Just like in the red McDonald's carton... until it tips over in the bag.

Oh, who am I kidding, I love trying new restaurants and I love ridiculousness even more. Of the 10 best restaurants named by Cincinnati Magazine I've eaten at seven of them.

1. Orchids at Palm Court - Been only for lunch, and it was a damn fine lunch; though there was also the time the Boss Man had me go with him to check out the space for an event, but I only went 'cause he drove me in his convertible Porsche boxster, and I'm shallow like that. (Update: I went for dinner with the Boss Man and he passed out in his scallops. We had to call an ambulance. True story.)

2. Boca - Spent a weird, drunken night here a few years ago with some dudes I barely knew; food was awesome.

3. Nicola’s - Had dinner here for the first time a few months ago; my own personal review coming soon, please stay gripped to your computer screens for this event, people.

4. The Palace - Is this a real place?

5. Bouquet - The food is great but my advice is to experience it through wine and appetizers, then finish off the night with a nightcap at the bar. (Update: Thursday is burger night. DO IT.)

6. Cumin - Never been, and it's kinda in my 'hood. Sad. (Update: Cumin is closed now... Cumin, I hardly knew you.)

7. Via Vite - I love Via Vite. The pizzas, the bolognese, the half price bottles of wine on Sunday nights, the terrace. There's much to love here, though it's no Nada.*

8. Nectar - Brunch is tremendous; I should go back here soon.

9. Daveed’s - Never been, but I did walk past it last weekend on my way to Mt. Adams Bar and Grill for hummus and chicken buddies (totally awesome).

10. Honey - Again, brunch is my thing. And Honey's is delightful. Go there immediately. (Update: Honey is closed now.)

Also listed was Jean-Robert’s Table as the best new restaurant and Senate was the runner-up.

I'm a big fan of Senate, and the bar is great, but you also can't go wrong with a regular ol' hotdog from a regular ol' concession stand or cart. But as soon as Senate figures out a way to make their hotdogs as inverted as the truffle fries, I will fall madly in love extra madly in love with it!

*I can't believe Nada isn't on this list; the reviewers at Cincinnati Magazine are savages. (Savages who are well-versed in fine dining and who know lots of creative adjectives to describe food. But still, savages.)