Let Me See That Tootsie Roll

Photo by HanksTruckPictures.com

I keep reading all these stories about how now that the economy is in the toilet people are eating more candy, seeing more movies and buying more lipstick.

We're all so sad about being broke we're comforting ourselves with empty calories, escaping reality at the theater and gussying ourselves up with lip paint.

Sounds good to me!

Except that I'm not sure I actually believe these reports. It seems more likely that the PR machines at Hershey, Paramount and L'Oreal are sending out press releases to reporters who just need a byline to get their editor off their freakin' back. A trend piece on what consumers are buying during the economic crises? JACKPOT! (Whoa, where am I? What just happened? Am I in the newsroom?)

I know reporters and I seriously doubt they're at their desks crunching lipstick, candy and movie trend numbers to verify these reports. Crunching candy bars, fo' sho'. But sales trends? Ha!

Diane Campbell, owner of the Candy Store in San Francisco says her customers “put candy in their actual budget” now.

Haha! Yeah right lady, we know you just said something crazy so you could get quoted.

I mean, really. Really?

First of all, who on earth would eat so much candy that they'd have to budget for it? It must be those AIG dudes since they're the only ones with enough money to afford an actual "candy budget." And second, if people do have a candy budget then the economy is the least of their worries. (Hellooo diabetes!)

All of this makes me want to rebel. The man wants me to buy candy and see movies? Forget it! I can't be subconsciously manipulated into empty calories and box office numbers!

Ahh hell, who I am kidding? I DO want to eat my body weight in Bit-O-Honey! And I DO want new lipgloss!

After I finish gorging on annoying trend pieces, Tootsie Rolls and I Love You, Man, I'm going to start my own consumer blog. I'll call it Weapons of Massive Consumption and I will write really trite knowledgeable money saving gems like, "Drop your gym membership and do push-ups at home. It's free!"