Please enjoy this out-of-context snapshot of things people have texted/said/emailed to me recently.
• Like ALL of them. HILLBILLIES. Really, who wears those sweat pants anymore? Can you even buy them at a store anymore?
• (Redacted) and (Redacted) were always sitting around getting drunk and self-medicating, probably so they could tolerate one another. After a few drinks I tolerated them better myself too, that's for sure.
• I am dressed like Luke Skywalker today.
• Going to go take a pic of my underpants... stay tuned.
Why not? I've already seen a pic of u on the toilet. Let's go there.
• So for now that has meant making my own fun... like making my own pipe cleaner people and have them go on adventures. It's like TV, only waaaaaaayy more intense.
• It's like putting together one of those photomosaic puzzles, which is to say it's like being in hell. ...And what's wrong with Atlanta? Gladys Knight's Chicken & Waffles, bitches!
• I just found out that I might have to go to China. I'll certainly bring you something back - maybe a cute Asian baby.
• Let me get this straight, you think God is out to get you, and is just effing with you, by you losing those files?
• Just hold off disassembling your airbag 'til Sunday so we can hang out.
• Did you sign Jared up for Black Enterprise magazine?
• Oh my god, you think a dolphin would be able to push the button better than a lion? You're crazy. The maintenance involved in keeping a dolphin would be a way worse than a lion. And you're supposed to be the smart one here.
• I think we're a better couple in the warmer weather. Perhaps in November we should just hibernate until we're able to walk to Yagoot again in the spring.
• Remind me to tell you the story of my delicate little system being wrecked. Let's just say you can't eat a half box of Raisin Bran without repercussions.
• I know you're going through a divorce and your entire personal life is in the crapper, but let's talk about your personal watercraft... can I borrow your Jet Ski?
• You don't know who Malvina is?! She's better than that Lady Goo Goo!
• There's something about you that makes me think about murder.
• Let Gina know her blog gets me through the 3 a.m. breast feeding. <-- thanks, Amanda.
Happy hump day everybody.