Tuesday, August 27, 2013

Does Anyone Have a Priest I Can Borrow?

The Boss Man 'showing off' his Pope hat.

It sounded so good in theory.

When Ray and I decided to ask the Boss Man to officiate our wedding it seemed so obvious - he's thoughtful, eloquent, occasionally even funny.

Plus, he's been married for about 100 years. That's just good karma, right?

Besides, I told Ray, I've never had a conversation with him that's lasted over 7 minutes, professionally or personally. So that bodes well in terms of ceremony length.

I asked the Boss Man on a Monday if he would officiate. He wanted to say no. He was invited to be the keynote speaker at a conference in China the weekend of our wedding and he was considering the invitation.

'Ugh, conferences. That sounds boring,' I told him. 'Besides, the plane ride will wreck your back and no one wants to hear you complain for a month. This will be fun! You'll be an ordained minister!'

I lured him with promises of a laminated "minister's card," which you can buy for the bargain price of $12, along with your official minister's certificate.

He accepted on Wednesday. By Thursday, weird things started to happen.

He bought a pope hat and a priest collar. He started touching people on the head and saying, 'Bless you my child. God is speaking to me now.'

Which was really strange coming from the Jewish, atheist, scientist we work for.

Then the "ceremony ideas" started.

"Envision this," he told me. "A George W. Bush inflatable with a 'Mission Accomplished' banner behind it. We're in Indian Hill, you know... And I'll say, 'By the power invested in me by the Republican Governor, I now pronounce you… sequestered!"

His eyes lit up with excitement at what a spectacular idea he thought this was. "Get it?! Everyone is Republican in Indian Hill! You're finally getting married. Mission Accomplished!" he said.

I sat in my cubicle for a few seconds silently absorbing this.

"Wow... Yes. What a great idea," I said. "But I was hoping for maybe something about marriage. You've been married for 40 years, maybe you could offer some advice or something poetic about how to have a successful marriage."

"Oh. Like grudges, resentment and not forgiving your spouse then." And he walked away.

That was the end of that four minute conversation.

Once his paperwork from the state came he started walking up to people in the office and aggressively announcing 'I AM GOING TO MARRY YOU!'

The sudden threat of having to marry him was terrifying everyone in the Institute. So his admin started  calmly telling stunned employees, "The difference between 'marrying someone' and 'performing their ceremony' hasn't quite sunk in."

As word spread that he is officiating our wedding, I realized that colleagues weren't asking about it because it was interesting, they were asking because... they felt sorry for me.

Last week one of our cardiologists emailed me with a work question. At the end of the email she wrote: "Also, I understand that [the Boss Man] is officiating your wedding. Are you sure that's a good idea? Just askin'... and you need to know that he has seen the wedding scene in The Princess Bride, so you should be forewarned."

So that explains why our normally pop-culturally bankrupt Boss Man has been yelling 'MAW-RIDGE' at people.

Another colleague, not believing the rumors were true, asked: "Have you considered the ramifications of the drug induced zaniness that's likely to occur?"

"Of course, but he's a great wordsmith," I said. Science, cell death, love, marriage. He can simplify complex things. Besides, that's part of the fun, right? Whether he brings his well-spoken, thoughtful self or his inappropriate, bizarre self, we're going to have a great story."

"Well, you're insane. That's all I've got to say."

With less than two weeks to go, I asked the Boss Man if he had some ideas ready for what he wants to say.

"Don't forget our vows and rings," I said.

"There are vows? I thought I did the vows? And I thought you already had a ring?!"

"Maybe I should make you an outline."

"Yes. Maybe you should."

"And we have to kiss at the end too, don't forget that."

"I have to kiss you at the end?! What on earth for?!"

It could be a long seven minutes up there.

1 comment:

astroguy said...

Gina, I'm really really REALLY hoping that this all happened in your head and didn't actually happen. That photo is CGI, right?