Ray of Light

The weeks leading up to my birthday last month were nearly intolerable.

I can't stand it when someone knows something I don't, and somehow I ended up with Ray, who is the king of secrets. Worse, he delights in lording them over me.

For weeks he was bragging, gloating, even relishing the fact that my birthday present was in his possession and it was so amazeballs, apparently, that I would die upon the first sight of it.  

He was really laying it on thick.

Woo!!! Wait, just wait. You're going to LOOOOVE your birthday present so much you're going to freak. Want me to give you a hint?!

Then he'd either lie to me about the hint or forget, because he was bragging so hard.

It's so awesome that even if I completely FORGET your birthday next year you'll HAVE to forgive me. God I'm so awesome - la la la la la!

He was insufferable and worse, unbreakable.

I was suspicious but played along. I figured the present was probably an 8 on the awesome scale, even though he was selling it as a 10.

I thought: Yeah, I love boots, I'll be stoked for boots or a bag or whatever, but come on, this is the pride before the fall. But I'll play along and act like it's a 10 when really it's going to be an 8.

I practiced my 'It's a 10!!!" face.

Besides anyhow, I had already decided whatever it was couldn't be as awesome as what he got me last year: Dylan's Time Out of Mind on vinyl, which you basically have to kill someone for or be willing to sell your first born to get, and a Tiffany lock necklace, which was a nod to the romantic lock bridge we stumbled upon in Paris.

The Pont des Arts bridge in Paris.

I actually cried when he gave them to me. Mostly I was crying because you know how birthdays are always kind of disappointing because you realize no one really knows you, but then suddenly this one shining gift comes through every 20 years or so and you're like, Holy hell, someone DOES get me.

That's what it felt like, so I cried a little at the realization that I was not alone on the planet and that someone in the big giant world understood me. There was a lot going on, ok?!

Finally, after weeks of suffering like this, it was my birthday. I opened the box and my face fell off my face.

MADONNA TICKETS.

Holy effing shit. He got me Madonna tickets!!!!

COME ON, GIRLS! DO YOU BELIEVE IN LOVE?! CAUSE I GOT SOMETHING TO SAY ABOUT IT, AND GOES SOMETHING LIKE THIS!

He also got me a fancy watch and the Joe Biden coozy and coffee mug I've been dying for.

Cheers, Uncle Joe.

Look how manically happy he is.

But whatever, MADONNA.

We see her this weekend in Cleveland. Imma dance the entire time and maybe cry and pass out a little and possibly even pee my pants. It's going to be the best thing that's ever happened to me.

Now enjoy some throwback Madonna. That's right, relish it. And be jealous. Verrrrrry jealous.