I still haven't unpacked or washed my dirty, sweaty clothes, but no matter. The Las Vegas trip in nine easy-to-digest-for-summer-reading highs and lows.
High - The brunch buffet at Wynn.
Three plates of new muffin top. Did I say three plates? Yes, yes I did. Why have dessert when you can have dessert(s), as in a whole room of them.
Dear Wynn, I love you.
Low - The Electric Daisy Carnival kids.
In case you haven't heard of EDC before, it's a giant electronic music/dance festival. I hadn't heard of it until last weekend when there were 320,000 EDC revelers at my hotel pool.
I felt so close to them... and their sweaty, tattooed, costumed bodies.
High - The New York, New York roller coaster
Tick-tick-tick up 203 feet, then dropping down 144 at 67 miles per hour in the night desert air over the lights of Las Vegas is my idea of a good time.
Ray, however, would call this a low. He hates roller coasters, especially rattly ones on the Vegas strip.
On the drop out of the sky, I giggled thinking the dude behind us was groaning. Turns out, it was Ray.
Low - Smoke
Ugh, I hate cigarette smoke more than anything, and casinos are filled with it. If you want to do a line of coke next me, no problem. Shoot some heroin, have sex with a male hooker, have at it. None of this impacts me.
But I too have to breathe in disgusting smoke when it's indoors, and I do have a problem with that whole lung cancer and premature death thing.
And besides anyhow, people look ugly when they smoke.
High - Peepshow
I couldn't wait to see a Vegas-style burlesque show, and fortunately Ray also happens to enjoy these types of things. So after much research and reviews, I settled on Peepshow. It.Was.So.Much.Fun.
It was like going to strip club only we didn't need singles because we paid in advance. And I think these girls may have had health insurance. Bonus.
All of the women were athletic and strong and terrific dancers. Plus, natural boobs! I couldn't tell if I was happy or disappointed by this, maybe both. But I certainly expected more fake ones. As it was, their bodies were athletic and completely attainable.
The show was steamy and sexy and cute and funny. I looked over at Ray at one point and his eyes were lit up like a kid at Christmas. It was great. And it totally made up for the sickened, annoyed 'I-am-going-to-kill-you' look he gave me on the roller coaster. Girlfriend, redeemed!
Low - The unbearable heat
How people go outside in the daytime without at least a kiddy pool within five feet at all times I'll never know.
I had the great idea of walking back to our hotel after the Wynn brunch buffet (to walk off the 3,000 calories I consumed) and had to gasp for air every few blocks.
That whole "It's a dry heat" thing is complete crap. The only difference with the "dry heat" is that it's like breathing into an oven.
High - Cocktails with a view
Ray got invited to some industry event for his conference that had "free drinks and food" in The Lounge at MIX, so we thought we'd breeze through for a quick drink, check out the view and bolt.
Pssht. They practically had to drag me out of there. It was on 64th floor of The Hotel at Mandalay Bay and had an open bar. Dear diary, jackpot.
I got tipsy on dirty shirley's (so refreshing in the heat) and spent my time offering to run to the bar for people... so I could get more drinks for myself and stalk the waiters passing hors d'oeuvre.
I'm going that way anyway, it's no trouble at all!
The view overlooking the strip and skyline was spectacular, and there was a balcony where you could hang out, assuming you're not afraid of heights or the fallibility of plexiglass.
Then some sales guy took us to a swanky dinner at the MIX restaurant, also on the 64th floor of The Hotel.
You know how I know it was fancy? Everything was white. It was white on white. Even my food was mostly white.
I joyfully soaked up the booze in my belly with free range chicken and fried panisses.
What are panisses? I'm glad you asked because I Googled it for you. They're chickpea fries, made from chickpea flour and are popular in the south of France.
They taste like heaven.
Low - Conference talk
Dinner conversation centered around valves and fire pumps and sprinkler hydraulics and who knows whatever else. Thank God for those dirty shirley's, you know what I'm sayin.' I hardly heard a word of it.
High - Classic rock in cabs
Ray is making me say that hearing the cover version of Rocky Mountain Way played especially for him by the cab driver was a definite high, but I'd say their bonding over the cab driver's classic rock iTunes collection was more of an odd moment.
Most cab drivers you can't understand, then occasionally you get one who likes to rock it out at 5 a.m. to Joe Walsh.
But ok, it is a bad-ass song.