Four Days 'Til The Pig: AKA, I Am So Hard-Core I Pee Blood

Look, I was going to run this weekend, I really was. But Saturday was no good for me. I ended up way too tipsy on Friday night to think about doing anything more physical than ordering a pizza on Saturday so running was definitely out.

Then on Sunday I nearly died. No joke. On my way to meet Julie for dance rehearsal I suddenly had to pee so badly my back hurt, so I whipped into Brueggers and I'll be damned if I didn't pee out a GIANT blood clot and my pee was the color of pink lemonade.

Oh, you don't believe it was giant? Well, it was. It was so big I took a photo of it and I will gladly show it to you. (Do not doubt me or I will straight-up email you this very disturbing photo.) So then I was all, 'Omg, I'm probably going to die any second now. I should probably go to Urgent Care. But Julie is expecting me, onward.' So I went to rehearsal and Julie was all, 'Here's a tampon, it's probably your period.' And I was all, 'No Jules, I know period when I see it, and this was definitely pee blood.' Then I had to pee really badly again, and there was some more pink lemonade pee.

So then I was all, 'Well, not much I can do about it now. Let's dance.' After I finally nailed the maxiforward right, maxi-cross, shuffle hop-step maxiforward left, I drove home and everything seemed fine. No more blood in my urine. I'm cured, I rejoiced while eating a left over burrito. Then I was chatting with a friend of mine who was all, 'If I had peed out a blood clot I would be at Christ Hospital right now convinced I was dead. But whatever, sister.'

Which got me to thinking, 'Crap. What if something is wrong. I better go to Urgent Care.' Holy scary hell-hole, you guys. Have you ever been to the Urgent Care on Ridge? That place is terrifying. Like, dirty, holes in the walls, no soap in the bathroom, horror movie, former abortion clinic-looking scary. I figured whatever I had in my bladder was nothing compared to the staph infection I was about contract in that joint.

So the "doctor" gave me a prescription for antibiotics. Oh yeah, did I mention during my visit he pulled out his cell phone and checked his messages? Oh yes, that happened. Then he told me to see my doctor because there is blood in my urine. Yeah, no kidding buddy. I'm pretty sure I knew more about medicine than he did. I should have shown him the photo of the clot. He'd have probably passed out.

Then I went grocery shopping for pasta because I have to carb-load for the Pig on Saturday night. By then I was too exhausted from the day's festivities to run. Then it dawned on me... I ran so hard last week I peed blood, ya'll! God I am hard-core. Other people have to run really hard for miles for them pee to blood, not me. One awesome run/walk around the neighborhood and my urine is clotty and the color of pink lemonade a week later.

Google confirms this is obviously what happened to me.

The fact that I'm still going to run the relay after nearly dying in the Bruegger's bathroom and then again at Urgent Care speaks volumes about my dedication. It's a miracle I'm still alive.

Oh yeah, don't even give me that TMI crap. This is basic physiology people and I know a lot about that stuff because I sit near scientists.