Season Opener

Happy Opening Day everyone!

Hope you were able to call in sick with a hilariously absurd excuse (I won't be in today, I have the gout) that no one believes but doesn't care anyway because you got tickets.

I'll be hitching a ride on Metro at 12:12 to get downtown and into the anarchy. Last year was my first Opening Day at the ballpark and it was miserably cold, so this year's predicted 75 and sunny is glorious good news.

Tonight I am dusting off the (ginormous) LaRue jersey The Tall Drink of Water got me at Reds Fest, debating if I can pull it off tomorrow at Great American Ball Park. It's one of those terrific polyester numbers Super Fans wear, and I really want to wear it, it's just that it's about four sizes too big. It's so long I can't even tuck it in. If it were a nightgown it'd be perfect. (And if I were seven and still wore nightgowns.)

I feel like I'm about travel some great distance, even though I make this trek five days a week to work. But it's different.

I'm packing my jersey, double and triple checking that I have the tickets, chilling bottled water (sealed, of course), setting out my clothing options (all weather considered: Cool and breezy; cool in the shade, hot in the sun; warm; baking in the heat, etc.) and charging my phone for some mobile blogging from the game.

Please. You don't expect me to watch the game, do you?

Here's how I fared in my Reds stats last year while the Reds were finishing... er, however they finished.

• Out of 16 total games last season, I ate a helmet sundae at all of them but two. (Once it was too cold, the other time it was too hot.)

• I asked for extra sprinkles on those helmet sundaes 90 percent of the time, but there was a only a 10 percent chance I'd get as many as I wanted.

• I attended one out of town game (road swing!) in Tampa and got a regular sundae (they can keep their helmets) and also had a footlong corndog. A footlong corndog?! YES!

• Number of regular hotdogs I ate at GABP: 2

• Average number of hours I spent sick after eating them: 4

• Number of times I proclaimed never to eat another hotdog at GABP: 2

• Number of vege dogs I bought, took one bite of and threw away: 1

• I will eat nachos with double cheese by the fifth inning 90 percent of the time

• The other 10 percent of the time I will get cheese and salsa, just to mix it up (and depending on how watery the salsa looks)

• I will get jalapenos on those nachos 100 percent of the time

• There is a 1 in 15 chance that TDW and I will get into an argument at the ballpark; during that argument, there is a 100 percent chance I will take that opportunity to fly up out of my seat, make a scene in front of everyone and then stomp off to the consession stand to get a helmet sundae

• Depending on the situation, inning and who is up to bat, there is a 75 percent chance TDW will come looking for me and apologize for everything under the sun (grassy knoll gunman, global warming, etc) so he can hurry up and get back to the game

• There is a 30 percent chance after making up that he will say, "You're 100 percent Irish, aren't you?"

• Newspaper TDW most commonly tries to lure me to games with (i.e. "If you come to the game with me today, I'll stop and get newspapers for you"): New York Times

• Number of newspapers and magazines I read during those 16 games I attended: Countless

• Favorite thing to read at games: US Weekly New York Times

Here's to summertime and homeruns and Marty and now Thom (still love ya, Joe) and bright afternoons and warm nights and time standing still.

Play ball!