A Few Things for Friday

1. What about Allison Felix and Jeneba Tarmoh finishing in a dead heat for the final slot in the Olympic 100 meter dash? And now to decide the outcome, they have to decide between a coin toss and a run-off.

Can you imagine leaving your slot in the 100 meter dash - the most important track and field race in the Olympics, if you ask me - to a coin toss? To chance?

Like hell.

Then again, what if you tweak your ankle during the 200 meter heat, so you opt for the coin toss. But the other woman doesn't agree because she thinks you may have tweaked your ankle. Damn it!

If they do have a run-off it could prove more exciting than the actual event.


2. I finished Anna Karenina. Such a fantastic book. I spent the first month after I finished it slightly depressed.

Depressed it was over, depressed I was no longer living with those characters, depressed at the lack of art and love and vitality in my life. It was as if I was living each of the lives in Anna Karenina, and when it was over, my other lives ceased to exist too. Crushing.



It's an unbelievably wonderful read and I hope I take the time to delve further into a review of it.

Today I saw the trailer for the movie staring Keira Knightley, who must be the most perfect Anna Karenina I can imagine. But who's this clown as Vronksy? What, was no one hot available? (Sorry dude, maybe you're awesome on the big screen.)

But the movie looks gorgeous; I can't wait to see it.

Between Anna Karenina and The Great Gatsby, it's going to be a big fall/winter.



3. I read Tina Fey's Bossypants.

It's unfair to read any book after Anna Karenina, even Tina Fey. But still, Tina doesn't disappoint. You will laugh out loud.

Though if I were her editor, I'd have shortened or even removed the 50 or so pages about her impersonating Sarah Palin. It didn't add much to the book (nothing you don't already know) and it lacked that insight and humor she has in talking about her start in comedy, what she's learned from Lorne Michaels, working in comedy/women in the workforce, and becoming a mom.

4. It's going to be 11 ba-billiony degrees this weekend.

When I am not at the Mt. Adams pool I'll be at the Hyde Park Blast drinking beer and wishing I was still at the Mt. Adams pool. Speaking of, when did my favorite secret hole in the ground filled with chlorine become such a hot spot?

The sad '80s pop machine is gone and now there's shade (!!!) and grass (!!!!) and last weekend it was packed. Packed, I tell you. And everyone was drinking
vodka and lemonade what was most certainly just water from red solo cups. The lifeguards, who are 12, didn't even flinch.

They've doubled the price to get in though. It's now $2. RAGE.

5. Leinenkugel's Summer Shandy



Dear Sweet Jesus this stuff is good.

Reading List: Nora Ephron

I was first introduced to Nora Ephron in a 2006 New Yorker article called Serial Monogamy. It was about her cookbook crushes, and how she daydreamed that each chef was her personal friend and guide, ushering her through her first recipes and menus.

And then she met a friend of friend at a dinner party.

“And then dinner was served. Pork chops, grits, collard greens, and a dish of tiny baked crab apples. It was delicious. It was so straightforward and plain and honest and at the same time so playful. Those crab apples! They were adorable!

The entire evening was mortifying, a revelation, a rebuke in its way to every single thing I had ever bought and every dinner I had ever served. ...It was horribly clear that my entire life up to that point had been a mistake."

It was a great. I loved it. Later it appeared as an essay in her book I Feel Bad About My Neck. You can read the piece here.

Soon I learned that Nora had written the screenplay for When Harry Met Sally, still one of my favorite movies.

I am particularly fond of the scene when Harry is intensely discussing his divorce at a football game while doing the wave.



Cracks me up.

After that I read her book Heartburn, her thinly veiled account of her then-husband Carl Bernstein's affair that led to their divorce. I don't remember much about the book other than enjoying it and that finally, at the end, she reveals her prized vinaigrette recipe, which she couldn't believe her husband was willing to risk losing for a lifetime.

I've never tried the recipe, but I think I will soon. I will daydream that Nora is looking over my shoulder in guidance and approval.

So anyway, I am sorry to hear that Nora Ephron died. You get to know people through their writing or their art, and you feel like you'll miss them when they're gone.

On that note, from her book I Remember Nothing: And Other Reflections, here is the list of things she wrote that she will and will not miss.

Do yourself a favor and read it.

9 Stories - Highs and Lows of Las Vegas

I still haven't unpacked or washed my dirty, sweaty clothes, but no matter. The Las Vegas trip in nine easy-to-digest-for-summer-reading highs and lows.

High - The brunch buffet at Wynn.

Three plates of new muffin top. Did I say three plates? Yes, yes I did. Why have dessert when you can have dessert(s), as in a whole room of them.

Dear Wynn, I love you.




Low - The Electric Daisy Carnival kids.

In case you haven't heard of EDC before, it's a giant electronic music/dance festival. I hadn't heard of it until last weekend when there were 320,000 EDC revelers at my hotel pool.

I felt so close to them... and their sweaty, tattooed, costumed bodies.




High - The New York, New York roller coaster

Tick-tick-tick up 203 feet, then dropping down 144 at 67 miles per hour in the night desert air over the lights of Las Vegas is my idea of a good time.

Ray, however, would call this a low. He hates roller coasters, especially rattly ones on the Vegas strip.

On the drop out of the sky, I giggled thinking the dude behind us was groaning. Turns out, it was Ray.




Low - Smoke

Ugh, I hate cigarette smoke more than anything, and casinos are filled with it. If you want to do a line of coke next me, no problem. Shoot some heroin, have sex with a male hooker, have at it. None of this impacts me.

But I too have to breathe in disgusting smoke when it's indoors, and I do have a problem with that whole lung cancer and premature death thing.

And besides anyhow, people look ugly when they smoke.


High - Peepshow

I couldn't wait to see a Vegas-style burlesque show, and fortunately Ray also happens to enjoy these types of things. So after much research and reviews, I settled on Peepshow. It.Was.So.Much.Fun. 

It was like going to strip club only we didn't need singles because we paid in advance. And I think these girls may have had health insurance. Bonus.

All of the women were athletic and strong and terrific dancers. Plus, natural boobs! I couldn't tell if I was happy or disappointed by this, maybe both. But I certainly expected more fake ones. As it was, their bodies were athletic and completely attainable.

The show was steamy and sexy and cute and funny. I looked over at Ray at one point and his eyes were lit up like a kid at Christmas. It was great. And it totally made up for the sickened, annoyed 'I-am-going-to-kill-you' look he gave me on the roller coaster. Girlfriend, redeemed!




Low - The unbearable heat

How people go outside in the daytime without at least a kiddy pool within five feet at all times I'll never know.



I had the great idea of walking back to our hotel after the Wynn brunch buffet (to walk off the 3,000 calories I consumed) and had to gasp for air every few blocks.

That whole "It's a dry heat" thing is complete crap. The only difference with the "dry heat" is that it's like breathing into an oven. 


High - Cocktails with a view

Ray got invited to some industry event for his conference that had "free drinks and food" in The Lounge at MIX, so we thought we'd breeze through for a quick drink, check out the view and bolt.

Pssht. They practically had to drag me out of there. It was on 64th floor of The Hotel at Mandalay Bay and had an open bar. Dear diary, jackpot.

I got tipsy on dirty shirley's (so refreshing in the heat) and spent my time offering to run to the bar for people... so I could get more drinks for myself and stalk the waiters passing hors d'oeuvre.

I'm going that way anyway, it's no trouble at all!

The view overlooking the strip and skyline was spectacular, and there was a balcony where you could hang out, assuming you're not afraid of heights or the fallibility of plexiglass.



Then some sales guy took us to a swanky dinner at the MIX restaurant, also on the 64th floor of The Hotel.

You know how I know it was fancy? Everything was white. It was white on white. Even my food was mostly white.



I joyfully soaked up the booze in my belly with free range chicken and fried panisses.

What are panisses? I'm glad you asked because I Googled it for you. They're chickpea fries, made from chickpea flour and are popular in the south of France.

They taste like heaven.



Low - Conference talk

Dinner conversation centered around valves and fire pumps and sprinkler hydraulics and who knows whatever else. Thank God for those dirty shirley's, you know what I'm sayin.' I hardly heard a word of it.


High - Classic rock in cabs

Ray is making me say that hearing the cover version of Rocky Mountain Way played especially for him by the cab driver was a definite high, but I'd say their bonding over the cab driver's classic rock iTunes collection was more of an odd moment.

Most cab drivers you can't understand, then occasionally you get one who likes to rock it out at 5 a.m. to Joe Walsh.

But ok, it is a bad-ass song.

Speaking of Drive-Ins

Google has this very fun Doodle video today marking the 79th anniversary of the first drive-in movie. My favorite part is when the kids pop up out of the bed of the truck.

That was Ray and me a few weeks ago.



We rambled into the Starlite Drive-In in Amelia with his blue Ranger packed with blankets, chairs, bug spray and provisions. (Milk Duds, caramel creams and water.)

It's as if we are still underage. But mostly we wanted to save ourselves for a giant fountain pop and large popcorn.



We even bought a little transistor radio for the occasion. (Somehow neither of us owned a battery powered radio; this was a surprise to me as I thought everything had a battery option. In fact, nothing does.)

Ray claims I tried to swipe it on and off like an iPhone to get it to work, but that is pure hearsay.




Men in Black III and Dark Shadows was showing, but the real star of the night was the full moon and the snack bar.



You should go. Take the kids, or not. We thought it was pretty romantic.

It's Always Boring In Las Vegas

First things first: Las Vegas is horrible.

Contrived and stupid and hot. Not to mention so barren and ugly it makes the moon seem lush.

Nothing interesting actually happens in Vegas, which is why the Vegas tourism bureau wants you to keep quiet about it. I went six years ago and was stunned at how disappointing it was. Even the things I thought would be fun - like a giant fiberglass sphynx - was boring. 

And is there anything uglier than a bunch of tourists crammed into one place?

No. No, there is not.

Well, maybe casinos, with their bad carpeting and noise and sadness.

Yes, Vegas is terrible.

And I cannot wait to go again!

We leave this weekend. Ray is going to a conference. I'm going to the hotel pool. So while he's stuck in seminars or whatever (speaking of bad carpeting), my days will be spent reading magazines. I hope it's not windy because it's super annoying when it's hard to read magazines by the pool.

I may hate Vegas, but I love pools and free hotels.

My agenda is to pool, buffet, then maybe hit one show and one bar/club while we're there. And I feel like that will be accomplishing a lot.

I've already packed my fake eyelashes and some of those wine juice boxes from Target. I think these items make me 78 percent more prepared for a good time.

I'll let you know.

The Children of Mason Are Hilarious and Terrifying*

During those 15 glorious minutes of adult swim at the Mason pool this weekend, Ray and I took our lifeguard-given rights as adults and took over the diving board.

Instead of going to the snack bar and getting sticky popsicle goo all over their faces like normal kids, these kids remained lined up and (reluctantly) let us pass through while they waited for the whistle to unleash them into the pool again.

As the adults got on the diving board they chanted at us with increasing intensity.

Do. It. Do. It. Do-It. DO. IT. DO-IT, DO-IT, DO-IT!!!!!

It was a lot of pressure. And those kids are not shy about bragging either. As I waited for Ray one little girl turned to me and said, "I'm going to do a flip as soon as the whistle blows. Are you going to do a flip?"

I was afraid if I said no she wouldn't let me pass through. I am afraid of children. I think they are... feral.

No sooner did Ray hit the water than the whistle blew again. As I tried to squeeze past the lined up kids to make my way up the diving board one last time, they turned to me and yelled, "Back of the line!"

I am not kidding. It was like Lord of the Flies in that line. When adult swim is over, it-is-over.

So I went to the back of the line and waited.

As Ray was walking back the kid behind him boasted, "That's how you do a dive."

Ouch.

Ray was all, "Oh yeah, kid?! Well, I can drive!"

And kiss girls! Which probably doesn't mean much to this kid now, but it will soon enough.

Suck it, kids.

*Note: The children of Mason are not nearly as terrifying as their parents, who we watched yell at the kids for not being able to doggy paddle the length of the diving area and back. These kids were like, four, and they were doing a great a job getting to one end, but their parents (dad's mostly) would never know because they were too busy being disappointed and competing with the other parents. I felt like I should adopt all of them, even though they will grow up to boss people around on the diving board.

The Weekend in Photos

We spent a lot of time outside this weekend, specifically walking around eating street food.

First at Maifest.






And then at the OTR 5k/Summer Celebration. I celebrated summer by not running and having a Streetpop. I won.




The new Smale Park had its big grand opening this weekend and I can't wait to check it out (they rent bikes!), but we kicked it Ault style on Sunday for the glorious, glorious shade.






And then because it had been a whole two hours since we'd last eaten, we grilled. Turkey burgers topped with roasted red peppers and goat cheese. Damn they were good. Look out Memorial Day, we-are-ready.





*not pictured, the three naps I took this weekend; training for Memorial Day is hard.

Give It On Up to Homelessville!

Hi.

Does anyone have any boxes I can borrow? I am going to need them to live in.

It's not certain I will be homeless, but you know how you sometimes get the feeling you might be homeless? I have that feeling.

My lease is up in October so in theory I have plenty of time to find a new place, but whenever I look at apartments I get depressed. Because they're horrible and I hate all of them.

Ray keeps reassuring me we're not going to be homeless. He describes it as, "a little up in the air."

Which sounds a lot like "homeless" to me.

He should pay more attention to my concern here because he's going to end up homeless with me. We're selling/renting his downtown condo and I'm giving up the lease on my apartment so... welcome to HomelessVille, Ray! Population: You and me!

Last night we were browsing apartments and houses and I got so overwhelmed I had to sit down and eat my feelings (a pint of chocolate fudge brownie ice-cream.) I guess the good news is I still have a couch to sit on at this point.

When I said this to Ray he covered his face with the couch pillow and screamed. He's obviously just as upset about all this as I am.

About those boxes... Ray and I will both need large, fridge size boxes and the kitties will need washer/dryer size boxes. Each. (Hey, they're big boned, ok?)

Thanks.

 

Justin Timberlake - SNL - Give it on up to homelessville

Haters Be Jelly

It arrived! And it's amazing.

Training Is Stupid

I've highlighted the important parts of my MRI report, specifically the words "superior" and "right gluteus maximus muscle."

"This mean I have a superior booty, doesn't it," I asked my doctor.

"Well... not exactly."

"Like hell. It practically says, 'awesome bedonkedonk' right there."

When I proudly shoved these highlighted results in the faces of my coworkers with sub-par butts - Read it and weep, suckas! - someone said, "But you don't have an ass!"

I'd tell you who said it but that person is dead now, and I don't have time to go to jail this week.

My hip flexor has been hurting for ohhhh, five years? But over the last three months of preparing for the Pig, it's hurt worse.

Which means I can draw only one conclusion: Training is stupid. All it does is injure you and you're still not any faster because you're limping.



About a month ago the ol' hip flexor decided it'd had enough and it wasn't going to do anything for me anymore, so it seized up on a run. It felt like tearing, and I walked home in crippling pain. If you heard a rumor that I was also crying and went home and forced Ray to shove a tennis ball into my groin in a vain attempt to find the trigger point then that is... ok that is totally true.

When at-home trigger point therapy with a tennis ball didn't work I went to see the sports medicine doc that everyone in my office is seeing.

We are seriously the walking wounded at my workplace. There are calf tears, fractured big toes, IT band syndromes, strained hip flexors. This doc is making a fortune off our injuries. I'm pretty sure mine alone bought him a Rolex. I'd tell you who he is but my coworkers and I are taking up all his appointments soooo... too bad.



In addition to revealing the awesomeness of my backside - truly worth the MRI in and of itself - the radiology report also revealed my strained hip flexor (ding, ding, ding!) and a strained... butt muscle?

So in addition to being high and tight (like a Marine haircut), my butt is also strained. (It doesn't hurt so who cares.)

But I did get some steroids for the throbbing hip flexor. Exciting, right?!

Wrong.

You know how everyone praises prednisone as some kind of miracle cure?

You'll feel great and won't need any sleep! Your joints will feel like a teenagers'! Your cartilage will be lubed up liked a can of Pam! You'll be able to work out for like, ten hours! Hip pain?! Butt strain?! You'll feel so great you won't even know you have hips or a butt!

Well, those people are lying.

I took a weeklong medrol pack and didn't feel any different at all. Worse, I didn't get super huge, I didn't bench press Ray in a fit of 'roid rage or feel "inappropriately happy" at any point.

Disappointing to say the least.

The only mildly cool thing prednisone did was make me look really tan, because it caused me to flush all the time. Otherwise, worthless.

Needless to say I'm looking forward to hobbling through the Pig. I actually trained for the first time in years and yet this will quite possibly be my slowest, limpiest time yet. After Sunday I'm resorting back to my previous "training plan" of "not training." At least then I won't be injured and gobbling down anti-inflammatories.

My only goal for the Pig now is to wear a really cool tiger t-shirt. Hopefully it arrives tomorrow!

On The Hunt

Last week at physical therapy there was this woman wearing a t-shirt with a tiger head on it.

A giant tiger head. It took up the whole shirt. And she was a pretty big woman.

It looked something like this.



I knew I had to have one immediately.

She said she got it at Wal-Mart, so this weekend I went on a hunt for this shirt while I visited my parents. I figured if there is anywhere in the good ol' US of A with tiger head shirts, it's Marion, Indiana.

I went to Wal-Mart, Meijer and several other jank-ass clothing stores and came up tiger head shirt free each time. It was a real bummer.

Even Ray was dedicated to the cause. We were eating slices of square pizza from Pizza King (amazing) and he said, "This is great and all but this is time we could be spending looking for your tiger shirt."

So true.

But two days later we left Marion sans tiger shirt.

Sad.

But then my mom called me yesterday at work to tell me she went to the airbrush t-shirt shop in the Marion Mall and the guy working told her he could make her one.

"Gina, the woman at the kiosk next to the t-shirt store said he's a real artist. I had him put it on a gray t-shirt. I'm supposed to pick it up tomorrow at 11. I'm so excited!" she told me.

At first I was nervous. An airbrushed tiger on a t-shirt from the crappy airbrush store in the mall? I dunno... I really had my heart set on a screen print tiger on a crappy t-shirt from Wal-Mart.

Then I realized this tiger shirt will probably be more amazing than I could ever imagine. I'm convinced it will look like the Cheetos tiger.

I got this voicemail from my mom this afternoon saying it looks "so cute." Since I can't post audio (suck it, Blogger) please enjoy this "movie" I created with my mom's voicemail and a photo of us having tea this weekend.



Highlight: "And that thing's eyes look REAL."

She picked up the shirt this morning and rushed it to the post office because I need it delivered by Sunday. My plan is to wear it for the Flying Pig relay. I'm of course fearful that the fabric will be brutal - cotton so stiff it will slice me up. But I'm willing to take my chances, assuming it fits at all.

When I called her back she said the guy who did it is an "amazing artist" and she's going to go to him again if she needs anymore shirts airbrushed. Just fyi.

So now I wait until hopefully Thursday when it arrives. I can hardly contain myself. I feel like my face will look like something between shock and awe when I see it. I wish now I'd have had her put my name on it. Like, the tiger's name is Gina. Or, I am a tiger named Gina.

I'll post photos for sure.

Flat Abs In Just 3 Days, Thanks Norovirus!

Are you fed up with diets that don't work? Pills that are costly and turn out to NOT be a magic bullet? Are you tired of going to the gym and not seeing results?

Well friends, then Norovirus is for you.

This little dynamo packs a punch, right to your belly. You'll spend just minutes at each session contracting your abs while vomiting, but it will feel like hours. Over several days, these contractions will add up to an abdominal workout like you've never felt.

After only three days with Norovirus - just one weekend, my friends! - I found that I have killer abs!

Sure it's only a two-pack (for now), but still, killer. My stomach has never been so flat. Not being able to hold down food, and then only broth and popsicles, has advantages. It melts the muffin top right off!

Don't let words like "acute gastroenteritis," "throwing up," "diarrhea" or "dizzyiness" scare you. That's just your body releasing "toxins."

Norovirus is even better than the Master Cleanse, which forces you to consume lemon juice, maple syrup and cayenne pepper, leaving you hungry and mean. With norovirus you can't keep anything down, which means even less calories. Plus, you'll have no taste for food and be too exhausted to be mean!

What's better than all this?! There are no special products to buy. No more foods you should NEVER eat, because you won't be able to eat any foods with this magical weight loss system. Everything is off limits! You won't even care that other people are enjoying large plates of pasta or chocolate cake. Just the sight of those things will make you want to puke!

Norovirus is not for everyone. Only people who are very, very interested in flat abs should attempt this "diet." In fact, it's not even called a diet because it doesn't feel like dieting, that's how magical it is!

Interested?

Find someone infected with norovirus. (Hint: They're easy to spot by their sunken, dehydrated eyes, vomiting and inability to leave the bathroom.) Then touch that person repeatedly and put your hands in your mouth. Do not wash your hands! This might inhibit your body's ability to embrace this lovely weight loss virus.

Good luck, and show off those abs!

Draw Some!

I'm not typically a big fan of game apps. I thought Angry Birds was boring and stupid, and I still think Tetris is the best game of all time. So I might not be the best person to judge.

However, let me give a resounding five stars to Draw Something.

I'm barely able to write this post because I haven't slept in three days, largely due to my staying up late and drawing pictures for "my friends" on Draw Something. (They live in my phone and love me, OK?!)

I will not call you, but I will definitely send you a drawing!

The gist is, you get a few words, pick one and draw it. Then the person you're playing tries to guess it, and draws you one back.

Some people are really, really good at this game. Like the person who drew the above picture. (More masterpieces here. )

I, sadly, am not one of these people.

Pretty much every conversation Ray and I have these days goes something like this:

Me: Does this look like an ice cube to you?
Ray: God, NO. I mean, umm, kinda. *wtf face

Me: Does this look like a train?
Ray: *silence, horror
Me: Can't you tell that's a caboose? It's blue.
Ray: It's also… bleeding?

Ray: Gina, wtf IS this? 
Me: I'll give you a hint! It's an instrument!
Ray: I thought it was a giant lemon.
Me: It's a giant lemon with strings that is played upright at fancy events... IT'S A HARP FOR CRYING OUT LOUD! OH MY GOD, YOU HAVE NO ARTIST EYE WHAT-SO-EVER!

Fun.

Here is a picture I drew last night.



It's sooooo good, right? He's bloody from the plane crash, see. And totally sad about it, as all is buddies went down with the plane.

Can you guess the word?

(It's "survivor.")

I knew you'd get it.

I'm more of a "contextual" artist on Draw Something. My goal is to convey the concept so my iPhone friends can guess the word. I'm not really "about" making great drawings, ok?

But then sometimes I do make great drawings. Like this one.



The concept is very clearly 1) a campfire 2) some kind of sandwich-y thing, crackers maybe (hint, hint!) and 3) a person eating said sandwichy-crackers.

Now what would that be?

Very obviously, smores, right? See how the chocolate is on the guy's face?

Well, Ty W. is a moron because he couldn't guess it and ruined our 11 turn drawing streak. 

But you know who really sucks at this game? BESiin-e.

Look at this abomination.



Can you guess what it was supposed to be? Me either.

It was a yo-yo. A YO-YO, for Christ's sake. It doesn't even resemble a yo-yo!

And Cheyenne1988s drawing.



Fishing? Catching? Search and rescue for a dead body?

No. It's a pool boy. A pool boy.

Seriously? Pool boys have muscles, and are hott. They do not look like lollipops. And since when do pools look like... is that a boat? You get an F, Cheyenne1988.

A few nights ago it was late and I mistook the word "widow" for "window" and drew what was quite possibly the best drawing I've ever done. It was a glorious window, the kind everyone would want in their McMansion, complete with red drapes and a setting sun in the background.  

Then when I sent it I realized, oops, it was supposed to be WIDOW. My bad, BEShiin-e.

He sent me back this message:



I sent him one back saying we need to get "us" back on track and that, "some things are worth fighting for."



Frankly, after his "yo yo" drawing, he was lucky I continued to draw pictures for him anyway. But we're working through things, one drawing at a time.

Which is more than I can say for Ray.

I actually thought this was some of my finer work.



My God, I thought, it looks JUST LIKE Starry Night! But when I proudly showed it to Ray he asked if the word was "vertigo."

It was Van Gogh.

Just because his drawing of a train actually looks like a train doesn't mean he has to be all bitchy to me.

And it took him an hour to guess this one, and it was even TO him.



I was only saying it to be nice anyway. Obviously my true soulmate is Angie V., who guessed my spectacular Coachella hollogram Tupac. I got the abs in there and everything.



Love you, Angie V. Draw me.

Bizarre Feelings About Celebrities I Will Never Meet*

This has gone too far.

For someone who refused for months to acknowledge she was pregnant, Jessica Simpson can't stop flaunting that gigantic belly of hers. Gah. She must what, 90 months pregnant by now? Good God, enough already, Simpson.

Demi did it better 20 years ago. Further, I think she could do it better now, and she just got out of rehab.



I admit to having strongly bizarre feelings about Jessica Simpson. Specifically, her divorce from Nick Lachey.

Sure, I don't know these people, really. But let's not let that stop us from having an opinion. Amirite?



Look at Nick. I adore Cincinnati's hometown boy. And as someone who watched Newlyweds, he seemed to be a helluva nice guy who was crazy in love with Jessica.

Then she dumped him.



She bounced from one a-hole to another, while Nick salved his broken heart with Vanessa Minnillo. They've been together pretty much since Simpson dropped his ass.

He found love, which was probably the last thing he was looking for. And Jessica found hair extensions and skank shoes, which was probably the last thing she was looking for too. Other than a bad relationship with John Mayer, dbag of the decade.



Post-divorce, Nick's singing career went nowhere. While Jessica's career went something like: Movie, flop; album flop; movie flop; country album, flop; relationship flop, flop, flop.

Nick ended up the host of the Sing Off. Jessica ended up a gazillionaire stripper shoe "designer."

Said shoes:


Five years after their divorce, Nick announced his engagement to long-term girlfriend Vanessa. THEN, a few days later, Jessica announced hers to some former NFL player she'd been dating for like, two minutes.

Really Jessica?! You're the billionaire, let Nick have some sun here. Now Nick's wife and Jessica are both pregnant and their kids will be born months apart. (God, poor Vanessa.)

Jessica may have piles of cash and lots of teetering shoes, but she made a big mistake. HUGE. She dumped our hometown boy for what I'm sure at the time seemed the racier, more interesting boys of Hollywood. Boys with more "image," "talent," more money, brighter careers.

And maybe that was exciting, for about ten minutes. But those things fade fast.

It seemed to me Jessica kept looking for a man who loved her like Nick did. So when Mister Former NFL came along and he didn't treat her like crap (John Mayer, Tony Romo, etc, etc), she was all, 'Well, I'm 30, I'm still single after my divorce and my ex-husband is happily engaged. Ugh, let's just get engaged and have a baby, Whatever-Your-Name-Is.'

I bet she doesn't love this dude as much she loved Nick. I bet she doesn't even know his name. (Does anyone?)

Who IS this clown? I could be selling shoes right now.


But I think Nick grew to genuinely love and appreciate Vanessa more than he did Jessica. How could he not? The two might not be uber famous or have sparkling careers, but they seem true blue to each other. Already their relationship has outlasted most Hollywood marriages.



So I'm taking sides here and Nick, you win! Look at Vanessa. Gorgeous.



These two are gonna have some great looking kids.



Pay the price, Simpson.

*Clarification - I almost met Nick. Specifically, he was talking to the people at the table next to me at Nada once, and I listened in. So it's just like we had a conversation.